You WILL hate Jimmy Carter

Tis the seasons for hating Jimmy Carter. You see its the season I visit my republican parents and grandparent-in-laws. So, while the food may not always be consistent, at least I have comfort to know that something will be. Hating Jimmy Carter. I'm not really sure whats up with this, but his name always becomes a topic. Then its dumpster time on the 39th U.S. president. But much like Christian beliefs, I've never been given a good reason why? So, time to break down why he sucked so much, and see why his head is a permanent centerpiece on our holiday tables.

Created the Department of Energy and Department of Education
Oh fuck! Bigger government, what a liberal thing to do! Lord knows we don't need these groups anymore.

Legalized home-brewing
Do you like micro-brews? Thank the man, because I do too. I'll have to add that to this years blessing.

Took steps and laid down framework to remove dependence on foreign oil
What a tree hugging hippie. Thanks to OPEC and the Nixon administration, the energy crisis was inevitable. Really we should thank OPEC, because this was one hell of a wake-up call for the US. If we would have followed Carter's plan, instead of letting Reagan jump back in bed with OPEC, we wouldn't be bitching about $3.50 gas, and would have a cleaner life with reusable, emission free energies.

That huge prime rate he had
Sure we're much better off with the crashing dollar and mortgage crash we have today, thanks to the low prime rate.

Camp David Accords
Bastard made our military stocks fall over this. Seriously, to think Egypt could have been on Bush's Axis of Evil terrorist list, if not for that Carter hippie peace shit. He didn't even have the decency to wait his last year of his term to talk peace. Without the accords, our beloved Israel would be pressed on all fronts.

Gave Panama the Canal
Man, this sucks, one less county to occupy. Things are just awful we can't use it any more. Or wait, you mean we still do? Damn.

Arming Islamic Afghanistan fundamentalist to fight Soviets
Sadly, this is a practice that still continues today, but for other locations...well Afghanistan too. At least Reagan carried this burden with Carter.

Iran hostage crisis
Ah yes. His black mark. The mother of all we hate of Carter. So what was it? Why did Iran do it? Well, we gave asylum and cancer treatment to the Iranian leader who gave that region awesome stability for the US, but he was forced out of power by fundamentalists. And so the fundamentalists took 50-60 American hostages. I suspect Iran was also pissed Carter was moving away from foreign oil dependence, which would have totally screwed the Iranian economy and the power it now controls. Reagan, our hero, was able to get all the hostages released. Oddly enough, Reagan began tearing down all oil dependency plans soon afterward, hmmm.

I guess now would be a good time for a cheap shot at Bush and point out he's responsible for way more American hostages in multiple countries, like Iraq and Colombia. We don't even have a clear number, since the private American mercenaries don't have to report missing/captured employees. Now if only they'd stop stringing up the charred bodies on bridges, we could simply forget about them. I think more US citizens died in conflicts under this Bush's administration too...not sure though.

[Editors Note: I'd like to dedicate this article to all the killed and missing US mercenaries we'll never know about, and to the families that will have one less member at the table this holiday season.]